How My Suicidal Thoughts Led Me to Find Myself
Has there ever been a time where it seems as though your entire world is crumbling down right before your eyes?
Where you don’t have any control over what is happening in your world?
Where you consistently feel like you are existing in a world that you should, instead, be living in?
This is where I was emotionally, physically, and mentally about a year ago.
I had just graduated from my master’s program in August 2017, and I was able to get a job quite quickly after graduating, which was great!
Even though I just completed a major accomplishment and was starting a new chapter in my life, there was a sense of emptiness and uncertainty that was forming in my world.
There was no way for me to control it.
I was thrown into a job where my employers did not give me the proper training.
Trying to navigate the duties that were assigned to me, and in the time frame and manner my employers wanted, was a daily struggle. Also, I was working a job that was new to me in terms of culture and environment—and a job where I was disrespected by coworkers frequently.
To say that I was struggling was an understatement.
But no matter how I tried to “cope” with what was going on around me, I landed myself in a spot that I never thought I would be in.
Through the course of months, I was cruising through life and feeling like I was just a body here on earth.
I was starting to see symptoms in my body; I couldn’t get to sleep at night and if I did, I was crying myself to sleep.
I was fatigued all the time. I was having major anxiety.
I had a sense of hopelessness and mood swings and I was having frequent suicidal thoughts.
If having suicidal thoughts was not enough, I was also stuck in my head the majority of the time.
And being stuck in my head, and not being able to shut off any of my thoughts, is one scary place to be.
This was not my first time dealing with suicidal thoughts.
The first time I had suicidal thoughts was back in my sophomore year of undergraduate school.
What triggered my first slew of suicidal thoughts was having the feeling of being alone and feeling that I had nobody to talk to.
What triggered my second slew of suicidal thoughts was the fear of the unknown and being stuck in my own head, with negative thoughts that kept swirling around on a daily basis.
Also, I was constantly comparing myself to those around me and beating myself up for not being where I hoped I would be in my 26 years of life.
As a mental health professional, I knew for a fact that I was leading myself into a dark place of depression that I was not sure that I could get out of or stop.
In retrospect, I don’t think I properly dealt with my first slew of suicidal thoughts.
From undergraduate school to where I was a year ago, my suicidal thoughts came and went.
I tried to put them in the back of my mind and keep pushing through life. But it got to a point that I just couldn’t take it anymore!
This past year, I was living a life of so much toxicity that I just couldn’t escape.
The job I was in was creating more stress, which led me to have anxiety attacks at work.
I was also having mental breakdowns each week.
Additionally, I was in a relationship where the person was literally draining my soul with their negativity on life.
I was putting everything and everyone in my life before myself and, little did I know, I was digging a hole that I was not going to get out of.
My sense of hopelessness in life was unbearable. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore.
I am the kind of person that always has a plan for her life and knows where she’s headed.
But after completing graduate school, all that was gone. I did not have a plan for the next chapter in my life.
Although, I had this new job, I knew that this job that I have now is not the job that I am meant to stay at for the rest of my life.
Yes, I did not have a plan for my life, but what was worse, was that I did not know who I was anymore.
And to be honest, I don’t think that I ever knew who I was.
I asked myself repeatedly, without my friends, family and my job who am I?
And I couldn’t come up with an answer.
By the end of July of 2018, my mind, body and soul could not take it anymore. My suicidal thoughts were getting more frequent, and the thoughts were getting much worse.
When I would be driving my car, thoughts of driving my car off of the road when I was on the expressway consistently passed through my mind.
Seeing a full bottle of Tylenol in the cabinet of my house and wanting to take a bunch of pills consistently passed through my mind.
At this point, the only comfort that I had was knowing that I could use the suicide hotline when I needed to. And because that was the only comfort that I had, I knew that something had to change—because I could not keep going on like this.
But by August of 2018, my life took a turn for the better.
I went on ; retreat for work that was all about self-reflection and finding out who you are as a person. That retreat was the start of my healing and the light at the end of my tunnel.
I had to re-evaluate everything that happened in the past months, to figure out how to better my life.
As I started to spend more time and get a better awareness of myself, I was able to find out who I was and who I wanted to be.
I started to realize that my purpose in life was to spread awareness of mental health and help people that are struggling on a daily basis.
I realized what people as classified as my weakness are actually my strengths.
I learned to embrace that I will always be the individual who wears her emotions on her sleeve and will no longer apologize for being emotional in any capacity.
I learned to embrace the empathetic person that I am.
And I realized that me being an empathetic individual is my greatest gift. It makes me who I am.
As 2018 ends and 2019 begins, I’ve promised myself that this will be the year of ME.
· The year that I start following my dreams.
· The year that I start continuously finding hobbies and things that make me happy.
· The year that I start being more selfish with my time and who I decide to let in my life.
· The year that I start putting myself as my number one priority
· The year that I continue to have peace of mind.
At this point in time, I am the happiest that I have ever been. And I owe that all to myself.
In a matter of four months, I managed to change my life around tremendously.
I decided to let go of all social media; it was consuming my life and took the focus off of myself.
I had to let go of all the toxic situations and people that were not bringing anything positive to my life.
I had to forgive myself for the negative self-talk.
I had to forgive myself for self-doubt and telling myself that I was not capable of doing things that I wanted to do.
I had to learn.
Will there be times when I am feeling down and in distress? Yes.
Will there be more challenges that get thrown into my life? Of course.
Will there be times that I might still get suicidal thoughts? Possibly.
But do I know that I have the tools to cope with everything that might come my way? Most definitely.
Would I do everything over again? Absolutely.
Every experience you go through in life leads you to where you are supposed to be. And I know my experience has led me to where I am supposed to be.
The journey of my life will not end.
It will continue to lead me to the most beautiful place: myself.