Morning Realizations

 woman looking at pink sunrise

I had a realization this morning… mid-sleep.

 

That perhaps where I am now; friendless…is a manifestation of what is meant to be – that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

 

All my life I’ve felt A L O N E;

                                                     Like no matter how BIG my circle of friends got,

how strong my bonds were – I always felt alone & disconnected.

 

I knew this would always be my fate.  

 

DEEP DOWN I could never shake the feeling of “One-ness” that plagued me. Perhaps I even wished it to  some extent…and despite whatever sadness & desire I have with wanting friendships –

The truth is I’m better alone. It’s comfortable & quiet.

 

This too is exactly while I’m single.

Why I NEVER want to marry or at least am afraid of doing so.

 

Being married – TRULY married; is to be IN LOVE…& to be HEALTHILY In Love is to never(!) be alone.


 

I can’t…or rather,   I don’t want to give this up!

 

I like the safety loneliness provides. I can hear my own voice & live without having to censor myself.

 

DEEP DOWN I knew I would lose [redacted] & [redacted].

 

In this regard I’m like my father.

My father is a careless D..R..I..F..T..E..R… with  no real roots.

 

He never revealed himself to my Mother

         sister

   or I.

 

He was always alone;    never had friends.

 

For the longest time I never understood it.

 

He was weird………..      

he still is.


 

But I get that lone part.

 

But I won’t hurt anyone like he did.

 

I’m not dissociative; I just like the----[emotional distance]----loneliness provides.

 

That’s why I can’t move forward with [redacted].

Because my loneliness is my weakness.

I can marry; I can be “his wife”

But deep down I can’t shake the truth.

I can’t be part of a whole when I am a standalone.

 

I enjoy the solitude; DEEP DOWN

I am afraid that it might work for a little bit.

 

Before that solitude creeps in & asks

 

“Can we be alone?”