I had a realization this morning… mid-sleep.
That perhaps where I am now; friendless…is a manifestation of what is meant to be – that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
All my life I’ve felt A L O N E;
Like no matter how BIG my circle of friends got,
how strong my bonds were – I always felt alone & disconnected.
I knew this would always be my fate.
DEEP DOWN I could never shake the feeling of “One-ness” that plagued me. Perhaps I even wished it to some extent…and despite whatever sadness & desire I have with wanting friendships –
The truth is I’m better alone. It’s comfortable & quiet.
This too is exactly while I’m single.
Why I NEVER want to marry or at least am afraid of doing so.
Being married – TRULY married; is to be IN LOVE…& to be HEALTHILY In Love is to never(!) be alone.
I can’t…or rather, I don’t want to give this up!
I like the safety loneliness provides. I can hear my own voice & live without having to censor myself.
DEEP DOWN I knew I would lose [redacted] & [redacted].
In this regard I’m like my father.
My father is a careless D..R..I..F..T..E..R… with no real roots.
He never revealed himself to my Mother
He was always alone; never had friends.
For the longest time I never understood it.
He was weird………..
he still is.
But I get that lone part.
But I won’t hurt anyone like he did.
I’m not dissociative; I just like the----[emotional distance]----loneliness provides.
That’s why I can’t move forward with [redacted].
Because my loneliness is my weakness.
I can marry; I can be “his wife”
But deep down I can’t shake the truth.
I can’t be part of a whole when I am a standalone.
I enjoy the solitude; DEEP DOWN
I am afraid that it might work for a little bit.
Before that solitude creeps in & asks
“Can we be alone?”