Hi there.

Look, I have a birthmark on the top of my head.

Look, I have a birthmark on the top of my head.

Welcome to Nerve 10.

I’m Jordan, and I created this site because I couldn’t find mental health information on the Internet that I could relate to.

Nerve 10 is where you will find the most accessible, most meaningful mental health stories and poetry on the world wide web.

My goal is not to regurgitate technical terms and generic information—it’s to create a more realistic and helpful mental health narrative.

Morning Realizations
woman looking at pink sunrise

I had a realization this morning… mid-sleep.

 

That perhaps where I am now; friendless…is a manifestation of what is meant to be – that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

 

All my life I’ve felt A L O N E;

                                                     Like no matter how BIG my circle of friends got,

how strong my bonds were – I always felt alone & disconnected.

 

I knew this would always be my fate.  

 

DEEP DOWN I could never shake the feeling of “One-ness” that plagued me. Perhaps I even wished it to  some extent…and despite whatever sadness & desire I have with wanting friendships –

The truth is I’m better alone. It’s comfortable & quiet.

 

This too is exactly while I’m single.

Why I NEVER want to marry or at least am afraid of doing so.

 

Being married – TRULY married; is to be IN LOVE…& to be HEALTHILY In Love is to never(!) be alone.


 

I can’t…or rather,   I don’t want to give this up!

 

I like the safety loneliness provides. I can hear my own voice & live without having to censor myself.

 

DEEP DOWN I knew I would lose [redacted] & [redacted].

 

In this regard I’m like my father.

My father is a careless D..R..I..F..T..E..R… with  no real roots.

 

He never revealed himself to my Mother

         sister

   or I.

 

He was always alone;    never had friends.

 

For the longest time I never understood it.

 

He was weird………..      

he still is.


 

But I get that lone part.

 

But I won’t hurt anyone like he did.

 

I’m not dissociative; I just like the----[emotional distance]----loneliness provides.

 

That’s why I can’t move forward with [redacted].

Because my loneliness is my weakness.

I can marry; I can be “his wife”

But deep down I can’t shake the truth.

I can’t be part of a whole when I am a standalone.

 

I enjoy the solitude; DEEP DOWN

I am afraid that it might work for a little bit.

 

Before that solitude creeps in & asks

 

“Can we be alone?”

Needless Death

Needless Death

Do You See What I See?

Do You See What I See?

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